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I had just left Office Max with a load of banker boxes that were on sale. Buy 2 ten packs, get 1 ten pack free. I have a storage fetish along with my sweater thing. The trunk on my car opened up and I was putting the stacks inside when a female voice with a distinct Jamaican accent interrupted me. I turned around and there before me was a pretty young black woman in a mini-van. She excused herself and asked if I knew where the senior citizen home close to the hospital was. As we have two hospitals in the area, I asked if it was the university hospital. She didn't know but she had a street name. After she told me, I knew the general area of the old folks home.
I proceeded to give her directions with wild hand gestures pointed in all directions. I went over them with her a few times and when I thought she finally grasped where she needed to go, I grabbed the empty carton that housed the banker boxes and headed back into Office Max. I dropped the box off to be recycled and when I turned back towards my car, I saw the woman still sitting in the mini-van with her hazards on. I waved and got into my car.
After backing out of the parking space, I started to drive across the parking lot to Bed, Bath and Beyond (my budget). It was cold out and didn't feel like walking all the way to the other side of the mall. I was also in a hurry as I hate shopping...especially with holiday crowds. I checked my rear-view mirror and noticed Miss Jamaica was tucked in right behind me. She turned when I turned; stopped when I stopped.
"What the heck is she doing" I asked myself, feeling a bit irritated. It was then I realized she was following me.
I then contemplated my next move. I briefly entertained the idea of losing her in the mass of cars in the lot. I picked up speed and raced through the parking lot, narrowly missing a old couple coming out of Petco. Sadly I did hit three or four kids but didn't have time to stop to see if they were alright. I heard them scream and then a distant thud but I was determined to lose Miss Jamaica. I did note with satisfaction that MJ ran over the mother of one of the road-kill kids who's last words were: "Oh my precious baby" and then THUNK. Miss Jamaica sure was a good driver though and through my hazy mist of admiration,I thought I saw her getting angry and pulling out a voodoo doll and a couple hair pins. "Uh-oh" I thought, panic setting in. I then began to get extremely aroused for no apparent reason. But then I knew; she had the voodoo doll's legs spread and was gently using her finger to stroke the genitalia area of the happy doll. I was so horny, I pulled over. Miss Jamaica stopped next to me, got out and came at me, her coat open to reveal a tight white sweater stretched incredibly thin over her perfect breasts. She put one hand on her hip and really gave it to me verbally, all the while, continuing the soft manipulations of the doll's invisible penis with the other hand. I just sat slumped in the seat with a massive boner that threatened to explode from my jeans. She demanded I take out my wallet which I did, sighing with sexual lust. I stared at her ribbed sweater neck while she took all my credit cards and over $150 in large bills. "Next time honkey, you will show me respect" and with that, she drove off, leaving me masturbating furiously.
Ok, that last paragraph didn't happen. What did happen was I came to understand that she must have thought I was going to "show her" the way to go by actually driving her. I remembered the last thing I had said to her was: "I can get you to the general area of where you need to go but that's about it". What I meant was the verbal directions I gave would get her to the "general area" of where she needed to go. She took me literally and soon I found I was driving past Bed, Bath and Beyond (my budget) on my way to a senior citizen home near the hospital. I felt ridiculous doing this especially when I was limited on time.
In the end, it took about an hour of my day but by the time she gave me a friendly wave and I was headed back to the mall, I knew I did something cool.
The next thing I'm going to do is write Larry David and see if he can use this story for his HBO show....the true part, not the sexual voodoo doll and the messy ejaculation in front of Old Navy and the astonished shoppers.